The horrifying news of two teen suicides in our community, both girls that I had connections with, wrenched my heart. Saddened beyond words, I cannot fathom the depth of grief that these parents and families must walk through as they face the days and weeks ahead. This kind of grief forces its icy hand into their hearts, ripping away the very breath from their bodies. Typhoon-like waves of sorrow wash over them and threaten to pull them under. It brings with it intense sorrow, painful questionings, bittersweet memories and a future void of their beloved child. And how does one go on? How does one push through the darkness and go on with the mundane? Life for them will never be the same.
I entered into parenthood with many ideals that simply did not pan out to be true. Maybe you did, too. Naivety, mixed with the burning desire to make sure my children grew up to be healthy, happy, functioning adults who loved Jesus, manifested itself in simple ideals. Two days of parenthood quickly began to dispel that idealism . One of those ideals was, to quote a Beatles song, "All You Need Is Love".
I operated under the assumption that if we loved our children and made sure they knew we loved them, set boundaries for them, affirmed them and disciplined them as needed, they would be okay. They would not use drugs, develop eating disorders, have depression, behavior problems or self esteem issues, etc. We just had to love them enough and make sure they knew it.
And then, - teenage years! I was blindsided by the struggles and the rocky journeys. I fought back the desire to just give up, I fought angry words, and doing what looked right in order to do what was right for my child. It is by the grace of God that we are in a better place now. But I learned some hard things along the way, and I hope, that by sharing them, it might give perspective or encouragement to others who may be going through tough times.
I learned that, what we call love, isn't always enough. The lies of the world can become imbedded in the hearts and minds of our children, and once there, the battle is on to counteract those lies with truth.
I learned that what goes on in the mind of a child is not a reflection of our parenting skills. It can be, but not always. I was saddened at the powerful influences the culture and media had on my children and others - ideas that were counter-cultural to what was taught in our home.
I learned that teenagers need a parent pushing into their world even though it feels like they don't want that. We must notice them, acknowledge that they are important to us, and show that we are on their side. They need us to speak truth, love and correction into their lives in a non-threatening, respectful way. They need us to be there for them - not in word alone- but in actions they can see.
I learned that pride has no place in this journey. It is humbling and heart wrenching and one has to forgo pride about parenting and expectations in order to work through things in a way that is best for the child, not one's image as a parent.
I learned that God's grace is sufficient. He loves my children much more than I do. Daily, I can commit my them to Him - to my Abba Father.
I learned how precarious life is. How things can change in a moment and we have no control over another human being and what they will choose to do, believe or act on.
A parent can do everything right. They can sacrifice hours of time, gobs of money and tons of heart - and a child can still struggle to such depths that they know of no alternative to taking their own life. And that is so hard to bear, hard to believe, hard to relinquish.
It feels helpless to be on this side of the chasm of pain that these parents are in right now. All I can do is pray for them and be there for them. That doesn't feel like enough. And yet, that is the greatest thing I can do. I can pray to our great God who said we should "cast all of our burdens on Him", who said that "He is near to the brokenhearted", who said that "neither life nor death can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord".
Sometimes the darkness seems to win. But our God is bigger, and His love, grace, comfort, strength, power and peace will be enough.In the end, what we have perceived as “love”
isn’t always enough. There are other
aspects of love that we don’t readily acknowledge: the tough stand on principle, unending
patience, bearing of heartache, suffering in prayer, acts of commitment to God,
fighting the fight of faith. And when all
is said and done, when we commit ourselves and our children to God, we have
loved with a love not our own.
My prayers, and the prayers of many, are offered up on behalf of these devastated families. May we continue to love and support them in the tough days, weeks and years ahead.
